Confessions

Monday ,7.30AM. Driving to work…

Mom S: Hello Cutie Pie, How are you?

Baby S: Gaah.. paatyiooo…chiyoo. Laa… gaa

Mom S: Ohh is it, looks like you had a great day . Did you eat good?

Baby S: taaaa..saaa..kadaa..waah…

Mom S: No honey, you have to complete the food. It will make you stronger.

Baby S: gaaa..taaa..paaa…yeeee

Mom S: Ok, that sounds good. Make sure to complete everything tomorrow. Take care, bye.

I hung up, turn off my car engine and pick my things from the car. It is still dark outside(Thanks to the longer darker winters) as I walk in to the office and then to my cube. Many people are busily peeking in to their monitors around my desk but most of my team won’t make it until 9. Which means I still have sometime before my meetings kick in and the week keeps me busy. I slowly unwrap my Egg sandwich and start memorizing my conversation with baby S . Though it is my routine conversation as I drive to my work I will be left with a heavy heart for few minutes after I end the call. 

Baby S is staying with my parents for the last 11 months. He is thousands of miles away from me. He turned 21 months last week. I missed many of his milestones. Did not get to see his first steps or hear his first words. Though my parents keep me updated with his everyday things, naughty stuff or sick items, I am not physically present to feel all those.

I stare at my screen and thinking what made me take this tough decision. This sounds familiar to many Indian Working Moms. I am one among them. I am no different and one among them. I had back to back pregnancies that led to 2 boys who are only 2 years apart. It’s definitely little rough on finances. Child care is not cheap and some of my non parent colleagues got surprised when I crunched these numbers with them.  Their immediate reaction is “you have to be financially stable to finance the child care”. 😛. Nothing to argue!

But there are other factors involved in my case( Child’s health, some breath in time for us blah blah… ). Nonetheless it’s an everyday struggle to balance my emotions. Who is the culprit behind it?

                                                                          MY JOB.

Aahhh  no wonder right. But is that worth since I already stated previously its rough on finances because of daycare. I slipped in to deeper thoughts fighting with my brain and soul(those two are different, correct?) Is the money only reason behind my job. Partially it is. But there are other aspects also involved. What are those?

1.      Finances: Though it’s not the winning item, it definitely tops the list. Whatever I earn gives me financial independence. And it is always good to have another money resource at home. There would always be an unplanned expense or a planned expense. Of any kind these additional bucks I bring home, helps my family thrive.

2.      Recognition/Existence: To my family or friends, I am daughter of Mr KLR &Mrs S, wife of Mr KK  or Mom to A and S(my most cherished titles). But to my colleagues, I am the person who gets approached when there is XYZ(legal complications, can’t list the names of the issues) technical problem on the product I am working. Every time I fix or design a new feature, I love the recognition I receive. I have created an existence and name for myself. This is something I acquired through hard work.  Every day I receive emails from my company global employees requesting my help because they know I am the person with technical expertise who can help with the solution for the problem they are battling. On and off I like to look at my LinkedIn profile and be proud of all the skills I have acquired for the last few years. What else, how can I forget this. Getting goosebumps when my product flashes on TV.

3.      Rolemodel: I want to have the next generation (my kids and other little girls) to get motivated and succeed in future. I remember reading somewhere that kids of working moms succeed in their careers most. That is true. I am the daughter of working mom and one of my success factors accounts to her. I want to carry that forward and have my kids look over her mom. Who does not value that.

Baby S arrangements are temporary and he will be back in couple of months. As I said it’s a daily juggle to balance my emotions. So what I do, pat and assure myself. Its going to end soon.

Few pictures to close the post.
PIC 1. Big Brother A with Baby S(April 2017).
PIC 2. Baby S dressed up as little kannaiah(September, 2018).